I’ve heard from a fair number of Pagans and polytheists, some who I respect very much, that the gods and fate do not take interest in ‘mere mortals’ or those who are not in some way ‘special’. The idea of fate and prescience, seeing the future and foretelling it, has been on my mind quite a bit. The morning I woke up cursing fate I was told pointedly by a friend that I had to ‘make up with fate and accept what was my lot’. Obviously, being told that (so directly and without having conversed with this friend about my troubles) dis-settled me. I was not someone special enough to have fate take notice and meddle with.
I believe the gods do take notice of people that are not kings or politicians or great warriors or artists. I believe they take note of who they will, regardless of whether that person is ‘special enough’. Currently, though, I’m unsure if fate is the same. Just as I don’t think everyone has the ability to see the future (nor should or would everyone want to), I don’t think everyone is touched by fate.
Well, actually, it seems my beliefs about the gods and fate are actually similar, as I don’t believe the gods reach out and touch everyone anyway. I don’t know why people are tapped or thwapped or bothered, and at this juncture in my life I’m not terribly concerned with why anyway.
It’s just enough to me that I feel (know? believe?) that fate has wrangled me into a situation.
I’ve been developing my ‘Seeing’ skills for a little over a year – and by Seeing I mean not the magical sight that allows people to see energies and soul bodies or what have you, but the ability to glimpse the future and let the future become now. This comes from my work in the Faerylands, where the future is now, as is the past. Time in not linear. Time is a bit wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey and altogether difficult to deal with if I analyze it too much.
When I first began having ‘visions’, itself a slightly inappropriate term, I simply rode through them and wrote them down afterward, unconcerned with their place in linear time. As they grew in strength and frequency, though, I attempted to chart them out and understand what I was seeing. The more I looked, the less control I felt myself having – both over how often the visions came and on my path itself. I had to cease peering in the mirror or risk losing myself.
It wasn’t what I expected when I started gazing into the mess that is time, even though people have spoken and warned of exactly this. Various ancient and modern mystics, devotees, and practitioners of various spiritualities have cautioned about how dangerous time and the gods can be. These are ‘big’ things that can addle mortal (or even less-mortal) brains. Originally I assumed this was just underestimation of human ability. Now, I’m rather forced to agree.
However, Seership is a skill I have hoped to develop for many, many years, and my ‘talent’ for it has only increased with my religious practice and journey work. Many people recently have warned of the dangers of journeying, of the mystical and spiritual suddenly ‘becoming real’. Of that space when faith is no longer faith but frightening reality. I’m not here to speak to those who doubt, as that isn’t my concern. But after experiencing my own frightening impact of real-ness I am left wondering whether this is truly a good thing for me – and knowing I have come too far to back away now.
I wrote months ago about being able to deny the gods requests, of being able to set our own boundaries. I still believe that is quite true. We should not be forced to make an oath by god or mortal unless we wish to make that oath. But what happens when that oath is made may be different than what we expected. When we have said yes and made an agreement and deal it is not easy to pull away or back out. Maybe there is some holy safe word that severs all deals and oaths and pledges; if so, I haven’t found it. And the part of me that made these deals and agreements and swore wholeheartedly to embark on this path doesn’t want to back out.
The path I am on is not comfortable or easy or even comprehensible most of the time, and it has shifted enough that I can no longer share it easily with others, but it is my path and I am bound to it. Even when I struggle with it and am frustrated with it, I will not turn away. Even when I wake up cursing fate and the gifts I asked for – cursing for it being so much more than I expected, for falling into that damn cliched trap of ‘be careful what you wish for’ – I want to walk this path.